Battle of the Joysticks
by Ying Fa Xang
Summary: When everything's a videogame, nothing hurts! Crackfic/Oneshot


I wasn't really gonna post this since I'm not happy with it, but Doku-sama told me not to give up on it... So, here you go. Enjoy the insanity!

**Prompt -** Battle taunts (ya gotta love em'!)

**Paring -** Mato/Yomi (not really a romance fic though, just humor.)

**Time -** Somewhere after the **OVA**? Somewhere after the **anime**? Oh heck! Somewhere after **COW Colors** for all I know, just go with it!

Disclaimer – I Do not own. You know the drill by now…

* * *

The scene was not unlike any other they had encountered on the other side, everything in complete decay to the core. The place? No more than a decrepit, old Japanese temple, with red shingles falling from the roof. It was housed in a rickety, old blackened fence, easily broken by even a child's small hands.

The ground was littered with craters, tile and stone uprooted from the previous battle. The constant night darkened everything, with only the moons glow to use as a light.

There came a double set of footsteps as two titans entered the temple courtyard a second time, their faces hard pressed.

One was a girl in her late teens. She had long uneven, raven colored twin tails atop her head, and dressed in black bikini top, shorts, and heeled boots. Her signature black jacket was not present.

The girl's opponent was a true beauty with soft green curls aside her face, in a short black dress, leggings, and high heels that made her look toweringly tall. A top her head sat two black vertebrae horns.

They were both pale as paper, one's skin casted in a bluish white, the other in a greenish white. The high, midnight moon above them illuminated their bodies, making them even more insipid.

They approached each other, taking their rightful places in the center that would serve as their battlefield. Black Rock Shooter held up silver Chinese Dao and swung it above her head, getting ready.

_("Hmmp. I didn't realize you were so eager to die today… Have it your way.")_ Rock taunted, shrugging her shoulders. She pointed the Dao forward.

Dead Master slammed her green boned scythe and dragged the blade across the ground, making a deep gash in the already shattered ground, teasing her opponent back.  
_("Oh come on, don't try and play it off! I can see you shaking from here…")_

There was a whirl of wind that rushed passed them, ruffling their hair.

They waited a beat…

Then two…

On the third, they tensed and the battle began.

Rock charged forward, Dao in hand as she made a wild slash for Dead Master's front. The attack was blocked, and Dead Master retaliated with slash of her own from the right.

It cut into Rock, throwing her off balance and onto her back. Dead Master stabbed the base of her sickle in Rock's stomach driving a scream from her lips.

Rock slashed Dead Master in the legs, knocking her back a few feet. She charged for a frontal assault; Dead Master prepared to block the forward attack. Rock psyched her out, and went for a low hit to the legs again.

The hit was heavy and Dead Master fell, making a small indent in the ground with her body as she tumbled down. Rock stabbed the sword down with both hands, but Dead Master rolled to the side and it missed.

A harsh kick to the solar plexus had Rock doubled over in pain and wide open for attack. Dead Master hooked Rock with her scythe, driving it into her stomach.

She hoisted Rock up, swung her into the air, and roughly, slammed her back to the ground five feet away. Rock's body hit with a harsh thud, adding another indent into the uprooted landscape.

Dead Master watched as Rock stood up once more.

It was more than obvious Rock was on her last legs as she hunched over, holding her stomach and panting. Still she gripped her Dao tightly ready to go until the end.

Dead Master relaxed herself and ushered her opponent forward, with a 'come hither' look in her stance.

_("Come on, I'll let you have a free hit!")_ She teased with a smirk.

Rock growled, angry at being made a fool of. She took Dead Master's offer and ran forward, aiming the Dao to lop her head off. The attack missed and Rock was hoisted into the air once again.

One last slam downward from the sickle had Rock defeated, and panting for what was left of her life.

_("Ughh! I can't…!")_ She exclaimed in defeat.

"KNOCK OUT!"

"DEAD MASTER, WINS!"

Dead Master twirled her scythe like a baton with both hands, showing off for her victory.

_("You should know your place by now, don't you think?")_ She taunted one last time before the videogame screen went back to character selections…

…

"AWW! NOT AGAIN!" Mato exclaimed in frustration.

"Heheheh!" Yomi giggled sitting next to her.

Mato sat Indian style on the floor of the Takanashi parlor, in front of Yomi's flat screen in a huff. That was the fifth time now she'd lost, and to Yomi of all people.

'This is Yomi for goodness sake; she's the biggest book worm I know! She's not supposed to know how to play videogames!' Mato bemoaned in her head.

Clearly that was not the case however, for said heiress who had her nose in the air, happily basking in her latest victory.

"Want_ another_ rematch?" She offered, feeling snooty from five straight victories in a row.

"Yes! But.. let me change classes again." Mato said sticking her tongue to the corner of her mouth. She used her controller to switch the fighting game over to 'character creation mode'.

"Oh come on! You've switched classes three times now. It's not gonna make a difference!" Yomi complained.

"It will too! Somewhere in this game is the perfect weapon for Rock, and I will find it!" Mato exclaimed ignoring Yomi's complaints.

Mato selected Black Rock Shooter for character editing and changed her class status from Pirate to Gladiator. That gave way to a whole new set of skills, with a different set of weapons.

In coloring mode, Mato adjusted the dark blue tint in Rock's raven black hair, recolored her black cross belts to white, and returned her long, black hooded coat, stamping a white star to the back.

Mato looked Rock's pale thin body over with scrutinizing eyes as she studied her for imperfections. Rock's bust to be specific.

Flat as a board and it was nerve racking. Real to life the model might have been, did not mean Mato enjoyed such and she quickly snuck the cursor on the TV screen to Rock's flat chest and upped her cup size three fold.

Yomi dug into the bag of sweet potato chips seated between them, before giving the screen a double take. Since when was Rock ever that buxom?

"Change the breasts back." Yomi scolded munching on a chip.

"No way." Mato said firmly.

"Change them; Rock looks like she's about to tip over!"

"Uh-uh." Mato shook her head.

"I can't believe how obsessed you are."

"I'm not obsessed! It's just my… vocation!"

"You're calling it a vocation now? Seriously?"

"Call it whatever, but the breasts stay."

"You're a very perverted little person, you know that?"

Mato sighed, and took in a deep breath as she prepared to explain her reasons.

"Yomi, did you know this game has sold millions of copies, here and overseas? You wanna know why that is? The breasts size options. That's it, no other reason. Oh sure, the art is gorgeous, the graphics are epically realistic and the battle system is easy to understand, with an ocean liner load of classes and weapons to choose from. But it's the breasts at the end of the day that makes this game so great. Can you understand _that_ much?"

Yomi just stared at her. "…I still say Black Rock Shooter with breasts looks ridiculous."

"Yomi, I should at least be able to live my fantasies in a videogame! Will you let me have that AT LEAST?" Mato practically begged/yelled and she tipped Rock's breast size to a supple D cup.

Yomi shook her head, but let Mato have her way for the moment. 'It's not as if an increased bust is gonna help Rock win the next fight anyhow.' Yomi reasoned.

Mato had a perverse, lopsided grin on her face when she finished her modification, and Rock's new bust was all but ready to spill out from her black bikini top.

"Are you quite finished, pervert?" Yomi asked with narrowed eyes and a sweat drop.

"I regret nothing." Mato replied, still grinning.

Yomi sighed, exasperated and saved Mato's modifications. She changed the game screen to versus mode and designated Dead Master as her character. She selected a large black boned scythe for a weapon, but then changed her mind and chose another.

The sickle she picked was designed in the shape of toucan with a long curved orange bill for the blade. It was aptly named "Beak."

Mato eyed the weapon with confusion. "Why pick that one? It's the weakest scythe there."

Yomi smiled condescendingly. "Oh just thought I'd give you a handy cap! With the way you're playing, this is probably all I'll need anyhow." She said all too happily.

"Smug today aren't we?" Mato grumbled, squeezing her controller.

She selected Black Rock Shooter and chose from a new assortment of weapons. 'Hmm, a Chinese blade was no good. Maybe Rock would do better with a sword_ and_ shield?'

Mato selected a large rounded silver shield with a blue stone in the center, the sword also silver with an ornately engraved hilt. With her choice made, the screen switched to arena selection.

"Where do we fight next? The old temple again?" Mato asked.

"Naw, too dark."

"How about the 'lost cathedral ruin'? We haven't gone there yet."

Yomi shook her head. "Too much fire, we'll both burn to death before the battles over."

"Battle at the 'Indian port' then?"

"In the blinding rain?" Yomi complained.

"Aww! Is the 'wicked queen of green' afraid she'll melt from a little wa-wa?" Mato teased, with quirked eyebrows.

Yomi growled and selected 'Indian port' as their new arena.

"DEAD MASTER vs. BLACK ROCK SHOOTER" Yelled the announcer.

The screen paused for a moment before switching to a new setting, and an ensemble of strings and flutes began to play in the background…

…

Rain poured violently from every direction, soaking everything it touched. The sky was dark and ominous with black clouds, and the wind rocked the seas wildly, shaking the boats docked at the nearby port.

The two souls who entered the center of the street paid no mind to the weather as they prepared to face off for the sixth time that day.

Rock held her shield close in her left hand and jabbed into the air with her sword, her new breasts bouncing with the motions. She stopped and took her stance. _("It's not too late to turn back if you want…")_

Dead Master twirled her scythe with one hand in the air and slammed it down. _("Why, I'd be an idiot to pass up the chance to kill you.")_

"READY…? SET…? FIGHT!" the battle began.

Dead Master immediately ducked down and went on the defensive and Rock rushed at her with a wild set of head-on stabs and jabs.

The hits did damage but it was the bare minimum, and as Rock quickly began to back away, Dead Master went in for side attack with her sickle.

She slashed from the left and tried to hook Rock with her blade, but it missed as Rock put her guard up and blocked with her shield.

The metal rubbed together creating white sparks and Dead Master attacked from another angle, the "Beak" of the sickle chirping with each attack.

She swiped her blade from the top attempting to take off Rock's head, but missed as Rock ducked down to dodge. Rock stabbed forward catching Dead Master off guard, and slashed upward.

Dead Master was knocked backward, but quickly recovered to go back on the defensive. She held still as Rock followed through with another onslaught of jabs.

When Rock backed away again Dead Master charged with a triple swing from the left, right, and left again. Two of the three hits made contact and Rock's shield was knocked from her hands.

Dead Master backed off for only a second to power up, and a green aura surrounded her person. She hooked Rock by the neck with her bare hands and slammed Rock face first into the ground.

While she was down, Dead Master tagged her with the beak of her sickle and tossed her into the air. She turned Rock about once, twice, three times and flung her out of the ring and over the pear's edge.

Rock plunged into the sea waters below with one last echoed scream. _("AHHHHhhhhhhhhhh!")_

"RING OUT!"

"DEAD MASTER, WINS!"

_("Aww, are you done already? That was no fun at all.")_ Dead Master complained turning her back to the screen with a frustrated huff…

…

Mato glared at the television in unhappiness, tightly clutching her controller, her thumbs red as tomatoes. She gave a glance over to Yomi and quickly regretted it.

Yomi was all smiles as Black Rock Shooter was defeated yet again, and this was marked as her sixth victory for the day.

"You wanna go again?" She asked, not even attempting to spare Mato's feelings with her grin.

Mato growled in discontent before switching over to 'character creation mode' to switch classes once more.

Yomi giggled. "I keep telling you no matter how many classes you change it won't matter."

"I'm ignoring you!" Mato huffed.

She changed Rock's class from Gladiator to Knight, and selected a black, chained lance titled 'Hell Bringer' for her new weapon. Yomi chose the 'Beak' for Dead Master, and a new battle began again.

…

The rain continued to pour heavy on the two girls in the center ring.

Rock slammed her lance into the ground making a crater, and stood tall. _("Come on, give me your worst!")_

Dead Master sauntered in position, and held up her sickle. _("You really enjoy getting your ass kicked, don't you? Must be a masochist…")_

"READY…? SET…? FIGHT!"

Rock went on the defensive as Dead Master attacked from the side, slicing at her like a mad reaper. Each attack made sparks as Beak clashed with Hell Bringer.

Rock prodded forward for Dead Master's stomach once, then twice before slamming the tip of hell bringer into the ground.

She scowled slightly, finding the new lance difficult to maneuver, as its bulky frame didn't leave much room for short range attacks. Dead Master took full advantage of this weakness and kept her attacks as close range as possible.

She swiped at Rock from underneath, knocking her off her feet onto her back. Dead Master powered up and stomped the base of her sickle into Rock's stomach, before hauling her to her feet and slamming her back down with a bare hand.

Rock rolled away and stood up, half her strength depleted as she thrust the lance down like a spear, knocking Dead Master over.

Dead Master back flipped back onto her feet, and gave Rock a roundhouse kick to the shins combined with a high kick to the face that had Rock grasping herself in pain.

Dead Master twirled her scythe rapidly powering up, surrounding the blade with a hot green fire. It became enflamed and she used it toss Rock up, over her head, and down onto the ground.

One last slice through the stomach had Rock lying there, panting in defeat. _("Ughh! I can't…")_

"KNOCK OUT!"

"DEAD MASTER, WINS!"

Dead Master flipped her curly hair and pointed her nose high into the air.

_("Next time, get serious… and maybe you'll actually win!")_

…

"WAAAAAAHHHH!" Mato whined and through up her hands, fed up with defeat after defeat.

Yomi watched humorously as her girlfriend laid back and rolled around on the floor in frustration and she quickly rescued her potato chip bag before Mato could squish it.

Mato was left completely baffled.

'How? How's it possible? I spend waaay more hours with videogames than she does! I purposely MISS home work just for practice alone! All that training with my little brother last week, WASTED!'

Mato stopped her rolling and settled for curling into the fetal position under Yomi's coffee table.

"Mato, you wanna go again?"

"No."

"Oh don't be such a sore loser."

Mato sat up, her eye twitching. "I just can't understand it! I know for a fact I spend way more time with videogames than you do, how do you keep winning? TELL ME NOW!" Mato demanded shaking Yomi by the shoulders.

Yomi laughed. "You really want me tell you my secret? It's pretty shocking…" Yomi asked with clandestine eyes.

Mato thought for a moment before her eyes widened, believing she'd already solved the mystery for herself.

"Oh I knew it! You're using cheat codes aren't you?" She accused crossing her arms.

"I'm not using cheat codes Mato."

"…You're not?"

"Nope. My secret…"

Mato leaned in closer. "Yeah?"

"The thing that helps me win…"

Mato leaned in more. "Yeah?"

"Is…"

Mato leaned in so close their noses were almost touching. Her eyes were wide, and filled with hope.

"Yeah?"

"I practice!" Yomi exclaimed simply.

Mato's face went stiff, she wanted to crawl under a rock and never come out.

Yomi snorted out loud. "Ahahahahah! I'm sorry! _-snurt-_ There really is no secret to my winning. Heheheheh!"

"P..Prac..tice?" Mato pronounced slowly, losing her mind.

"Actually it's more than that. I studied the game."

"Huh? Study?"

"Hmm, take a look at your thumbs. How do they feel?"

Mato flexed her thumbs up and noted how red they were. "They hurt." She said simply.

"You've been trying with all your might, huh? But, my thumbs aren't sore at all."

"What's your point?"

Yomi sighed. "My point is you button mash! I know combos! Therefor I always come out on top." She proclaimed proudly.

"There's no way you could have studied combos for every class, you just got the game last month!" Mato reasoned.

"I never said I studied _every_ class but, I've become skilled with the scythe through practice. So long as you keep changing classes, and I keep using Dead Master, you can't win." Yomi said with a smile.

Mato tossed her controller aside. "No fair! You should let me win at least one game! I'm the one who helped you unlock the horns for Dead Master, remember?" She grunted, lying back on the floor.

"And Dead Master is more than happy to show her appreciation, by kicking your butt as many times as you like!"

Mato turned away. "Hmmp! I'd like to see you be that smug using Rock." She stated scratching one socked foot with the other.

"Using Rock huh…? Let's do it then!" Yomi challenged. "Change classes again, and I'll match you."

Mato thought for a moment before sitting up. "You're on!"

Mato changed Black Rock Shooter's class once more, this time from Knight to Samurai, and saved. Yomi then duplicated Rock to another empty slot and brought her into editing.

Every color was changed to contrast the original, turning black into white, and vice versa. Yomi evened out the twin tails, shrunk the breast down to_ reasonable _size, gave the girl a long sleeved white bolero for a jacket and changed her eyes from blue to red.

The last change that was made was to the girl's name.

'White Rock Shooter.'

"Who is that chick supposed to be?" Mato asked, fuming that Rock's design was changed.

"Why don't we think of her as Rock's… new sister?"

The two selected their weapons. For Rock, Mato chose a black katana name 'twilight.' For White, Yomi chose a silver katana named 'Silver fish.'

"Where do we fight this time?"

"Chaotic spiritual realm? Perfect place for sisters to have an epic battle of wills." Yomi suggested.

"Sisters, yeah right…" Mato mumbled.

Chaotic spiritual realm was selected, and the announcer spoke.

"BLACK ROCK SHOOTER vs. WHITE ROCK SHOOTER"

The screen paused for a moment before an ominous set of drums began to beat…

…

Power raged in all directions as the spirit realm shifted about in disorder. Stars twinkled like blue galaxies, and red super nova's blazed the sky, swirling together creating a purple cosmos in dead space.

Atop a single floating land mass, stood two warriors. The All-Seeing-Eye of the universe opened wide, high above their heads as they entered the ring, watching them.

There was nowhere to run, and nowhere to hide from each other. It was do… or die.

Rock stepped up and unsheathed her sword, holding it up for White to see. _("Don't suppose you could tell me if there's actually a point to this battle…?")_

White followed suit holding up silver fish. _("Is it bad that I just want to see you in pieces?")_

"READY…? SET…? FIGHT!"

Their swords met with a loud clang, as they ran headlong for each other. Rock and White pushed together with gritted teeth, before breaking apart.

Rock held her katana with two hands as she slashed from left to right. White blocked using silver fish as a shield, the metal making sparks as they rubbed together.

Rock leaped up and slammed the blade down, but White veered to the side and slashed at Rock from behind. Rock turned and blocked White's forward thrust attack with a bare hand.

She held tight to the blade and jabbed twilight forward into White's solar plexus. White doubled over, but quickly recovered to block an oncoming low hit to the knees.

_CLANG! CLANG! CLANG! _Their swords echoed, as the two charged for each other again, their feet stomping loudly.

White slashed cutting into Rock's stomach, then cut upward knocking her back. Rock steadied herself she slashed back with a double cut to White's top and bottom.

White reached out with a bear hand to pull Rock to her and sent a harsh kick. Rock sank to her knees and White grabbed her by the head to finish the job.

Rock growled and reached out her hand, grabbing white by the collar. She stabbed her with the sword and turned them about so they stood in opposite spots.

In one last strained kick, Rock knocked White from her sword and over the edge of the platform into the black abyss below.

White fell over with one final scream. _("AHHHHHhhhhh!")_

"RING OUT!"

"BLACK ROCK SHOOTER WINS!"

_("Hmmp… Was there ever any point to your existence to begin with?")_

…

"YES!" Mato cried, jumping up in happiness.

Yomi stared at the screen, speechless. "Wha..?"

Mato stood up and hopped in a circle. "Get that fake outta here! She can't beat my Rock!"

Yomi scowled. "You got lucky." She mumbled looking away.

"Luck had nothin' to do with it! My Rock is just that awesome." Mato proclaimed, proudly.

Mato sat back down and grabbed Yomi's potato chips. She frowned when she saw the small bag was empty. "We're outta snacks!"

"Hmm? Go by some more then." Yomi stated with a chuckle.

"Why me? These were my chips!"

"You weren't eating them, so I assumed you didn't want anymore."

Mato thought for a moment. "How about we play for it? Loser go's and buys more snacks?"

"You don't wanna make that bet."

"Yeah I do! Now that I know the Katana works for Rock, we're unbeatable! I'll even let you use Dead Master this time."

Yomi quirked an eyebrow, unsure of how to proceed.

Mato was definitely heady from her **one** victory, and quickly becoming overzealous in her mediocre skills. Still, a challenge was a challenge and Yomi had never been one to walk away from one, especially if Mato had issued it.

"…Suit yourself." She sated simply, starting the match again this time with Dead Master.

_Two minutes later…_

…

Dead Master threw Rock to the ground with her scythe, her body made an indent in the ground as it smashed down.

_("Ughh! I can't…")_

"KNOCK OUT!"

"DEAD MASTER, WINS!"

_("Aww, you broke too quickly! There go's all my fun!")_

…

Mato growled, ready to chuck her controller at Yomi's flat screen.

Yomi sent her a smirk. "Be sure and pick me up some strawberry pocky, okay?"

Mato groaned and laid back in defeat, her hand across her stomach. Her pose resembled a beaten Black Rock Shooter.

"Ughh… I can't win!"

"Hahah! Like you ever had a chance!" Yomi gloated.

Mato was promptly ushered off to the store for snack goods, and while she was away, Yomi took Black Rock Shooter into editing mode.

When Mato returned fifteen minutes later, much to her horror, she found Black Rock Shooter's bust was flat again...

* * *

**AN-** Oh well, Black Rock Shooter can't win em' all. Same for you too Mato.

Nope, there's no point to this story what so ever, I just thought it was funny. I dug out my old SoulCalibur 3 game a few days ago, and thought i'd write something based on it. Too bad the real game wasn't as awsome as what Mato and Yomi are playing... For those questions I know are coming, yeah I still own a PS2, and no I don't have a PS3. Too expensive! (I'm _that_ poor..)

I'm still working on **COW Color S2**; I just wanted to practice writing battle scenes. It's so hard to come up with them on my own, and there's gonna be a lot of em' too.

Now go and **REVIEW**, I miss them! ;_;


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